I Refuse to Sink



"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." ~J.K. Rowlings

Had a conversation with the ex the other day that is still rattling around in my brain. Just as background- he quit his job this week due to "every day being worse then the day before so every day I talk to him is the worst day of his life as far as work is concerned". He's a computer programmer for anyone that doesn't know. 9-5, air conditioned office, comfortable chair, etc. I get that he doesn't want to do that anymore- I really do. And I think he has every right to go find the thing that will fulfill him. It's just that sometimes I think he maybe doesn't have a very good perspective on how good he has had it. Bygones about that. In any case, as a response to my irritated accusations questions about how he was going to pay his child support that he is already way behind on, he said something interesting. Well, he said a lot of things honestly. Things like "I supported you and Anna for years while you did nothing but feed her and keep her alive" (no surprise there- he never has put any importance on what I did as a stay at home mom or full time nursing school). Anyway, bygones about that as well since my actual post tonight is about this statement:

"You never understood the pressure of providing

and now you are buckling under it like I always knew you would

...you are buckling - it's why you get so mad

  you feel now like I felt about it before...

You can't take the responsibility now that you feel it's all on you.

 like I said, welcome to my former world...

 I will not be a slave to my own daughter

 and be miserable because of it.  

I want her taken care of but it's not just on me anymore..."

 

I think this floored me because I feel like I am the complete opposite of buckling under the pressure. Sure it's a lot sometimes. It was especially stressful there for a while when my back problems were just not getting any better and I really started questioning whether I could keep up with working the floor. Always in the past, whenever he flung out accusations at me, accusations like "you are bat shit crazy" or about how I can't handle the truth so he HAD to lie to me about so and so, or "you don't think correctly" or whatever the thing was at the time, I believed him. After all, he just always seemed so sure about what he said. And he has a really effective way of taking one small slight truth, like the fact that I struggle with anxiety, and somehow turning that into proof that the larger thing, like "bat shit crazy" and "unable to be a full equal partner" is the truth. But this time, it was so blatantly untrue that my first thought was "well that's just not true in any way, shape, or form!". I am not buckling or resentful that I have to care for Anna. I get up everyday and on the worst days at work, I am THANKFUL that I have a job that allows me to provide for her. I am thankful everyday that my parents had room to take us in and the willingness to watch her so I could handle a night schedule and full time nursing classes for the next however many years. Am I tired? heck yes. But I am just beginning to realize how strong I am. Without him no less. Over the years, a lot because of circumstances he put us in, I learned to find something to cling to and be happy about. I am learning this truth about myself ~ I REFUSE TO SINK! Do I need to child support money? Of course I do. Do I hope he pays it? Hell yes. Will I make it without it? YES. I refuse to sink. I refuse to be defined any longer by what Adam thinks about me or my capabilities. I get to decide who I want to be and I get to define who I am. And guess what? I don't think I'm all that bad. Damaged maybe...but surviving.

 

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom